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Stan Wilson works in the accounting department at the H.B. Mills Conglomerated Import Export Corporation, also known as MCIE. He is a gymnast with Microsoft Excel, so much so that he boasts he can make Excel tie his shoes for him. It must be pointed out that Stan wears loafers to work.

Lilly Allen is a member of the marketing department. Lilly works from eight until five every day, taking her mandatory lunch hour from noon to one. At lunch most days she eats a sensible meal, an apple, crackers and peanut butter, part of her New Healthy Eating Plan for Life, alone in her office.

Stan, who is thirty-five, has developed a crush on Lilly, who is ten years his junior. She has every attribute Stan thinks he wants in a woman, and the best part is, she’s not like any of the women who inhabit the tomb that is his sad and disastrous relationship history.

Where his latest ex, Amy, was a schoolteacher by trade and a disciplinarian at heart, Lilly exhibits none of the former’s capacity for needing strict control. Sally, ex minus one, was a drop dead gorgeous bombshell of a brunette who also happened to have a fairly obvious cocaine addiction. Lilly only sniffles when there’s a virus running rampant across the office. And where Elizabeth, sweet but flawed Elizabeth, required a man with a fortune with which Stan could not compete, Lilly’s wealth requirements seem negligible in comparison, considering the fact she is currently dating a line chef.

While Stan is aware that Lilly has a boyfriend, he has also been clued, by Lilly’s boss, into the fact that a bit of turbulence has settled into their relationship. Lilly’s boss has also informed Stan that Lilly has referred to Stan as being “very intelligent” and “funny.” This information has led Stan to contemplate asking Lilly to join him for lunch, to see if, maybe, there is a possibility for romantic entanglement. He would very much like to grab her by the back of her short blonde hair and ram it home as he takes her from behind. He also wonders if her body has as many freckles as her face and whether she has an inny or an outy. But first, there is the very important matter of getting her out of the office environment and learning if any of the above will be attained or discovered.

Does Lilly like sushi? Stan prefers to eat sushi over any other type of food during his lunch hour. He spends enough time at sushi bars that he has learned how to ask for his check in Japanese. “Wiso!” (short for “Why so much?”)

Stan believes that Lilly Allen does, in fact, like sushi, considering it is high in protein and low in fat, making it a perfect candidate for inclusion into her New Healthy Eating Plan for Life.

But then there’s the issue of him potentially being the dreaded home wrecker. While this does leave him with a bit of an unsavory feel to what he is potentially contemplating with the alluring Ms. Allen, he figures he’s been home wrecked enough times himself. There’s got to be a degree of reverse-karma for him on this one.

“Hi is for horses,” Stan says, entering Lilly’s office at precisely eleven-twelve in the a.m.

“Hey is for asses like you,” Lilly replies, a wry smile creeping onto her face. “What brings you this way? Slow day in accounting, or is your abacus on the fritz?”

“Yep. No abacus. I’m stuck having to count with my fingers and toes.”

“How very simian.”

“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”

Stan remains silent for a moment, fiddling with his sleeve, trying not to be so obvious. While Lilly turns back around to type something into her computer, he notices that Lilly has left an extra button unbuttoned on her loose white blouse, allowing him to garner a quick peek at the very top of white lace bra. He averts his eyes as quickly as possible when she turns again to his attention.

“What’s up?”

“Well I don’t have anybody to go to lunch with today, so I was wondering if you’d be interested in a little raw marine goodness, a.k.a. sushi? I know a great place right over on Mission…”

A look of disappointment settles upon Lilly’s brow. “I’m sorry. I’ve got plans to go to the Target with Wendy.”

“A shame. This place has really good food.”

“But what are you doing after work?” Lilly asks.

“No plans,” Stan replies, caught off guard by her query.

Lilly smiles again. “How about a couple of glasses of wine?”

“Sounds great.” Stan feels a rush of blood to his penis. He is especially happy not to have stammered his response, as that might clue Lilly in to just how excited he is about the prospect of having her alone, one on one.

“Okay, well, I’ll just call you after work, and we can decide where to meet up. Just write your digits on this post-it note and I’ll ring you up on my way home.” He is immediately embarrassed for having used the word “digits” and the phrase “ring you up,” but, well, he’s just going to have to do better in the future.

***

It is established that Stan and Lilly will meet at seven o’clock, at Stan’s house on Naragansett. Lilly also lives in Ocean Beach, right off of Abbott, so the logistics of the meeting are a breeze.

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“Hey, that’s one of mine,” Lilly says, right after the cordial hug and just before Stan switches off the television.

“Really.”

“Yes. I did that one, one for Hapitol and the Comidor ad.”

“The penis pill?”

“We prefer to use the term erectile dysfunction.”

“Flaccid.”

“Wormy.”

Stan motions for Lilly to join him on the sofa. He already has a bottle of Spanish Rioja, a corkscrew and two wine glasses set on the coffee table. Before Lilly’s arrival, he also made a run to the store for four more bottles. Just in case.

Stan decides small talk should follow hence. “I was over in human resources today, and Lucy, you know, the big angry woman at the front desk over there, well, Lucy was having herself a meal out of some poor intern, chewing her out for something or other, and this poor little girl was crying so bad that her face broke out into hives.”

“I want to screw your brains out,” Lilly deadpans.

Stan stares, stunned.

“You know, fuck like rabbits?”

“Um, that sounds reasonably pleasant.”

“Like, as in, right now.”

Stan’s libido has somehow abandoned him in search for logic. “Don’t you have a boyfriend?” he asks.

“Boyfriend shmoyfriend!”

They begin to kiss, but the kiss is awkward. Stan feels something is just not right. They stop, looking at one another, somewhat dumbstruck.

Stan nods his head twice. He has it all figured out. “When’s the last time you had sober sex?”

Lilly’s eyes roll back into her head, the mental calendar flipping pages.

“Yeah, me too. Can’t remember, can you?”

“I am ashamed to say the answer to that question is no.”

Stan and Lilly begin to laugh simultaneously.

Lilly grabs her empty wine glass and says, “I believe the solution to our little crisis is right here in front of us.”

***

One scrabble game and three and a half bottles of wine later, Stan and Lilly are naked, intertwined on Stan’s bed, moving through different positions as if they had been partners for years. It is somehow unnaturally natural and satisfying in an emotional sense Stan hasn’t felt in as long as he can remember. Already, in mid-coitus, Stan believes he may have more than just a sexual interest in Lilly, more than just a workplace crush. She’s amazing in all the ways Stan hoped he would find in a woman someday. Sweet, smart, funny, ahead of her years in her success at the company, Lilly is what any man should desire in a woman. And she fucks like a banshee, which isn’t so bad either.

“I want you to do me from behind. Hard,” she says through her labored breathing.

Stan turns her over, grabs her by her hair and goes to work.

***

Tuesday morning finds Stan alone in his bed, but in one of the best moods of his entire life. He does not believe he has ever had a smile on his face when the six-thirty a.m. alarm has brought him to life. That is, before today.

Lilly left without saying goodybe, but that is just fine with Stan. He will be seeing her in the office in just over ninety minutes. He can’t wait to see her face again. Stan is addicted.

***

Stan knocks on the door to Lilly’s office.

“Come in.”

When he enters he is greeted by Lilly’s polite smile. “Hi. How are you this morning?”

“Doing great,” he says, closing the door behind him. “How about you?”

“Oh, I’m a little tired, but aside from that, everything is good.”

“Well,” Stan stammers awkwardly, “I just wanted to come and tell you I had a great time last night.”

“Oh, that’s sweet.”

“You know me.”

Lilly continues smiling her polite smile, as if waiting for him to continue.

“Well, I was hoping I might get to see you again sometime.”

The smile remains, unwavering. “Oh, I don’t think I can do that. I have a boyfriend.”

Stan is stunned. “Last night you didn’t seem to mind.”

“That was last night.”

“Yes, and last night was fantastic.”

“It was fun. But I can’t get involved with you, Stan. Like I said before, I have a boyfriend and he loves me very much. If I started seeing you, that would make things much too complicated.” The smile remains fixated at a spot right between Stan’s temples.

“Heh,” he says, flabbergasted. “Well then.”

“Well then.” The smile is instructing Stan that now is the time he is supposed to leave her office.

“Guess I’ll see you around the office.”

“Okay. Have a great day,” the smile says.

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